Through much of life we are taught that forgiveness is the path to inner peace. We assume when we forgive the bully we will be free from the emotional bond we have with them. If we forgive a friend for a derogatory comment the comment loses its sting. But does it always work out this way? Are we ever at peace, and when does the comment lose its bite?

How often have we worked hard to forgive only to realize nothing has changed? We’re still angry, hurt, even disappointed. What if forgiving others doesn’t ease our emotional burden? What if we were to forgive ourselves? Would that change anything?

Most of the time people show us who they are without our asking. Their behavior speaks before words are spoken. Then their casual words may not align with the beliefs they share. Yet how often do we take these contradictions into consideration when we are looking for new friendships?

The truth is, people are just being themselves. Those who bully others are bullies because they need to exert power over others as a way to boost their fragile ego. Those whose actions do not align with their words are hiding behind a persona, that they assume, protects their lack of integrity. The thing is at some point in life all of us will fall into these categories.

Oftentimes forgiving others serves us no useful purpose, because they are just being who they are. It is here we must learn to forgive ourselves. We can do nothing about the behavior of those around us. All we can do is learn to control our reactions to how they affect us.

It is our attachment to their actions that gets us in trouble. We attach our emotional stability to how they act toward us. When they are kind, life is good. If they are mean to us, our self-esteem tumbles. In a sense, we are riding a rollercoaster of emotions controlled by those around us.

To put the brakes on, we try to forgive. Yet that doesn’t seem to help. We still think that they are the problem. We believe their words, their actions, their rejection, are the cause of our discomfort. But it is our attachment, our desire to be accepted by them that causes our pain.

Only when we learn to forgive ourselves for our attachments, will we truly find inner peace. We get hurt when we expect people to act a certain way toward us. It is not their behavior that harms us, it’s our unfulfilled expectation that gets us hurt. We expect something that never happens and that causes our pain.

We forgive ourselves for the attachment. We forgive ourselves for the need for an expectation. We want the approval of others so badly we are willing to open ourselves up to the possibility of getting hurt. Then when it happens we forgive them thinking this will help us heal. It is ourselves we should forgive, because we don’t love ourselves enough to walk through life without attachments or expectations.

To forgive ourselves for looking outside of ourselves for validation and acceptance, is a powerful act of self-love. When we learn to love ourselves no matter what is happening in life, we will not need the approval of others to prove our worth to ourselves or to the world.

Every day we have a choice, fall into the trap of attachment and expectations, or love ourselves enough to have the emotional strength to see it for what it is, then walk past. If we trip or stumble emotionally, we know that self-forgiveness is the quickest way to return to a place of self-love.

The thing to remember is there is nothing we can do about the actions of others. All we can do is control our reactions to their behavior. As our self-love grows, our ability to maintain our emotional center strengthens. It is here self-forgiveness plays a key role in moving forward toward a more self-loving life filled with inner peace.

Now that we are in a place of self-love, we can send love to those who have harmed us. Why? Because those who hurt others lack self-love and need love. Remember, those who cause harm to those around them are also seeking validation in some form. The best we can do for them and ourselves is to open our hearts to them.

This may sound counterintuitive, but those who cause pain to others are in pain themselves. They don’t need our anger, resentment, or revenge, they need love. It does not mean we have them over for dinner. This means we recognize their pain and send them love as a way to heal.

We can do this by picturing them in our mind while saying, I send you unconditional love. Unconditional love because there is no meaningful love that has conditions or limitations attached to it.

Everyone is doing the best they can. Yet we also forget that many of us are fighting an inner battle no one knows anything about. By forgiving ourselves and sending unconditional love to others we begin a cycle of healing that helps everyone on their journey toward inner peace and self-love.

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Is it possible to step back to recognize if we have attached our peace of mind to the behavior of others? Let me know what you think, leave a comment below, I’m always interested in hearing your point of view.

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Thank you for being a part of this wonderful adventure called life, I appreciate your company.

Peace and well-being, Paul

Copyright Paul Hudon 2026